fucking to forget

Lately I have been on a "binge" of sorts and over the last day or two trying to figure out why. Today in the shower I finally realized it. I am fucking in order to forget. To forget the hurt, to forget the love, to just forget. I don't know why my brain is working this way but it is.

I am confused as to what my actions are really accomplishing in the long run. I guess if I put bodies and physical feelings between me and the emotional strain and hurt, it won't hurt as bad. I have been with multiple people since the break up. Doing what I actually don't prefer to do, sex without emotional connection. Sex for just sex sake is fun, but when it is over and you are "kicked out of bed", for lack of a better word, it can leave you just as empty as you were before.

And even more so there are people that wanna fuck me but I feel that I would just be a notch in their bedpost, when it is I that is putting notches in mine. I don't want to be one of several women "falling" all over a man just to feed his ego. The couple men that are like this I feel like their ego is big enough. They don't need yet another woman to feed it. One of these guys I didn't know I was part of a harem until AFTER I got with him. Now I know I feel all icky cause I am not special. He just fucked be cause I was there.

Is it bad that I want to feel special when I am with a man, whether it is with a fuck buddy or a boyfriend? I want to feel like the only woman in the world to him. It could be out in public on a first meeting, or in bed, or hell just chilling on the couch? Is that too much to ask for? or does that seem really selfish of me?