fucking to forget

Lately I have been on a "binge" of sorts and over the last day or two trying to figure out why. Today in the shower I finally realized it. I am fucking in order to forget. To forget the hurt, to forget the love, to just forget. I don't know why my brain is working this way but it is.

I am confused as to what my actions are really accomplishing in the long run. I guess if I put bodies and physical feelings between me and the emotional strain and hurt, it won't hurt as bad. I have been with multiple people since the break up. Doing what I actually don't prefer to do, sex without emotional connection. Sex for just sex sake is fun, but when it is over and you are "kicked out of bed", for lack of a better word, it can leave you just as empty as you were before.

And even more so there are people that wanna fuck me but I feel that I would just be a notch in their bedpost, when it is I that is putting notches in mine. I don't want to be one of several women "falling" all over a man just to feed his ego. The couple men that are like this I feel like their ego is big enough. They don't need yet another woman to feed it. One of these guys I didn't know I was part of a harem until AFTER I got with him. Now I know I feel all icky cause I am not special. He just fucked be cause I was there.

Is it bad that I want to feel special when I am with a man, whether it is with a fuck buddy or a boyfriend? I want to feel like the only woman in the world to him. It could be out in public on a first meeting, or in bed, or hell just chilling on the couch? Is that too much to ask for? or does that seem really selfish of me?

Emotional Release

Last night we had a fun play night at a friends house. For some reason hubby could not get me to fully cum, I couldn't figure it out. I had to get out a toy to finish myself off. We were in the bathroom and all of the sudden I started crying, then full out balling. Hubby did not know why I was crying, and at that second I could not talk. So he laid there on the bathroom floor holding me while I cried. Then I finally I could talk, and I told him that I was crying due to a hugely emotional release. Because of my medication, I haven't really been able to cry from the break-up. I still love him, and probably always will. The fact that he doesn't ever want to talk to me again, is what really hurts. The lies and the avoidance are what made this so damn hard.

Today I am just feeling numb again. I just want to sleep all day, and do nothing for days. I hate feeling numb. but I guess it is better than being fully depressed.

I am nervous, Tomorrow a friend is coming over to visit from Colorado for a day, she dropped someone off in Savannah. Ex has been basically living with her and her husband. It wasn't until he was with them all the time, that things went really bad with ex and I. Another thing is last I knew he was not really interested in the BDSM lifestyle, and all of the sudden he turns sadist. Not really sure WTF is up with that. I do not think that this friend is being honest with me about him and all his BS.

Primary Concerns

Well, as you know my most recent poly relationship has gone by the wayside. Now my husband is here bearing the brunt of the heart break. I am not sure how he is and going to deal with this on his own but I have been trying to talk through it with him. He says its kinda hard to see me heart broken over another man, but he realizes that I need to love other men, similar to him needing to have sexual relations with other women/men.

Even the smallest things can affect the way I process my emotions. I had a cuddly friend stroke my neck today and it started the tears a flowing. I think that my meds have made me numb. A friend in the medical field said to me today that "I don't really want to put my husband on a anti-depression medication because yeah it helps you from being really sad but it also prevents you from becoming really happy". That is kind of the way that I feel now, just kind of neutral. My heart hurts, a lot, yet I cannot do anything to feel better. No cleansing cry, no yelling and screaming, no getting over it fucking, nothing. Just empty and numb. The second worst break up ever, only after finding out my ex-cheated on me with my best friend taking her virginity, and cheated on his wife with me.

However, being poly has helped my husband and I sustain our marriage. You ask why or how? Well before I met my husband, I was a serial monogamist. Once I got bored with a boyfriend, I would start looking for another. Once I did, I broke up with the original. Never cheating on the original however. Meaning no sex till I was only with one. So now I have an original that lets me find a third, that makes me happy. However Ideally I am hoping to find the one man that can make my life whole with my husband... the three of us would love each other and complement each other perfectly.

Here is an example of how poly and D/s can help and sustain a marriage.
We have a couple friends (they are married) that do not communicate either in the Vanilla world, or the D/s world very well. Mainly on his part, he is ashamed of being bi. It is hard for me to see them have such conflicts but it is all due to lack of communication, as well as lack of being comfortable in their own bodies. With them I see a perfect poly-cuckold relationship. The husband seems to be a cuckold, and really doesn't do much with the wife alone. So she, being his dominant, should be allowed to have someone that does "get it done". Them finding D/s in general has helped their marriage, however not letting it flow through them naturally is hindering the good that it has done. He is obviously very submissive, and very bi, however he is so ashamed of it, it is controlling his life.

Third Relationship

This one started a lot different than the last two because it was not a bisexual triad. Boyfriend and I loved each other but he did not play with hubby. However the two of them were very close and similar to brothers or best friends. He lived with us along with my best friend (not a part of the "relationship" but part of the family. Things were going very well. However the relationship was stressed as hubby and I were forced to move because of his job. Boyfriend claimed to have wanted to stay together and do the long distance relationship thing. He decided suddenly that it was too hard and we broke up. Broke my heart because I would have given almost anything to have had a poly marriage with him and my husband. The only thing that I wish he would have done differently is given me a real reason why we broke up, vs. "Lets be friends until I figure out what to do" then not talking to me ever again. That is the part that hurt the most.

Distance puts a stresser on any relationship but when you are in love with someone outside of marriage and are separated from that person it can actually stress your marriage as well. My husband has been worried about my severe mood swings and what not given I am already on depression medication. A break up of a poly triad is difficult but even more so when only one person has a heart involved in it. I cannot describe how it could affect other relationships. However I know that it is hard for me. I have gotten a lot of advice, and most say you just need to have a good over night with someone to get over them. I don't know if this is the best way to get over someone that you are deeply in love with even post break up. I have a feeling I will ALWAYS love him. No matter what happens in the long run.

Second Relationship

The second relationship that hubby and I had was good at first. I met him through a search for roommates, that were ok with kinky sounds in the household. He was sweet, and loving. Then he had some legal issues and was taken away for a while. When he came back he went nuts. He ended up emotionally abusing me. I had to lock him out of the house and wait for him to return the money that we had lent him. Finally after a few months of holding his computer hostage we finally got it all back and got him out of our lives.


Again things in our Poly relationships has been made even harder because of my husbands job and the travel he does for his job.

Poly Journey

First off before I get into my Poly history, Poly relationships are never easy. There are a lot of different things that Poly families have to deal with that typical families do not have to deal with. Legal Marriages, children, jealousy, commitment, furniture disparities, and discrimination.

The reason for this is a blog, is I want to let other people know that poly relationships exist and yes they are hard but very much worth it.


Well our first relationship went quite well. It was primarily a sexually based relationship. I met him at a swinger party through a friend. Then when husband came home from overseas, the three of us decided to start spending every weekend, or close to every weekend together. Naked Guitar hero, donuts and Fuzzy Navels were our favorites for Sunday mornings. Things went pretty well, he met a woman and the four of us were going to be a "quad couple". She decided that it wasn't for her or her kids. Then he decided that he wanted someone younger than 35 or 27, more like 18. So it was pretty much over for us from then.