Lately I have had a very weird couple of months, a lot of people have come back into my life randomly. I think this is odd because of the fact that I am finally and entirely happy. Three ex boyfriends, 3 ex submissives (one formerly collared) and 4 former lovers. WTFH? Is all I can say.... most have come back begging to be in my life. Others are just trying to find that lost connection. I don't get it. They either broke my heart or stopped talking to me, now they want me back? They dated, or played with someone else, realized what they were missing out on and came slithering back.
It feels to me that the world knows I am happy and wants to do whatever it can to fuck it up. It has happened in the past, but not like this.
One of the ex bfs and I started talking and all was good, he knew about the current bf from first notice. Then all of the sudden he kept dwelling on the "omg she will never be a part of my life again" thing and my having a bf. He was one of the ones that just felt he didn't have time for me anymore, and slowly piddled out of my life. I am not going to wait around for you to get your balls back and have time for me again.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Troubles with the Past
So as you my readers know, the female submissive did not work out. Yet is still creating issues in my life. Her and my husband are still good friends. I know that her supposed excuse for never talking to me again is that she cuts all ties with former Dominants. However her immaturity on the way she went about it was wrong. She claimed that she couldn't be friends with anyone that lied to her, yet some of her friends have lied to her in the past, and worse. And yet she still talks to them and trusts them in times of conflict. So if I would have been meaner, or more abusive she might still be talking to me. It saddens me that even though things didn't work out, I treated her with all the respect in the world, and yet she cannot even acknowledge me at a community event we are both at.
Also I have had several blasts from my past resurface. My ex-boyfriend (most recent) and I decided to become civil, as our break up was bullshit. I knew he was not poly from the very start and said "I understand if you find someone else, all you need to do is just let me know". He decided to cheat on me and string me along then break up with me once I was across the country. I have missed him as a friend and was bitter about it because he is beloved by all my close friends back home.
Two of my other exs both want me back but are upset at the fact that I have a boyfriend that is more reliable, and has a better relationship with me. I don't mind staying friends but the current bf should not be all we talk about. So one of them I stopped talking to because he was pissing me off, by solely talking about my current.
So needless to say the past is haunting me and I wish I could just be a bitch about it all to people but my biggest flaw is I tend to be too nice, to damned caring about everyone.
Also I have had several blasts from my past resurface. My ex-boyfriend (most recent) and I decided to become civil, as our break up was bullshit. I knew he was not poly from the very start and said "I understand if you find someone else, all you need to do is just let me know". He decided to cheat on me and string me along then break up with me once I was across the country. I have missed him as a friend and was bitter about it because he is beloved by all my close friends back home.
Two of my other exs both want me back but are upset at the fact that I have a boyfriend that is more reliable, and has a better relationship with me. I don't mind staying friends but the current bf should not be all we talk about. So one of them I stopped talking to because he was pissing me off, by solely talking about my current.
So needless to say the past is haunting me and I wish I could just be a bitch about it all to people but my biggest flaw is I tend to be too nice, to damned caring about everyone.
Monday, May 16, 2011
A New Road.
So it has been way too long since I have blogged here. Since my last blog the situations have changed. Things are still going pretty well with my hubby. I have since released my submissive girl, we together came to the conclusion that her preference for women, and my preference is men would affect our relationship negatively. We have come to be friends.
Now, during the process of finding a submissive to play with I too found a boyfriend, killing two birds with one stone. Him and I met unexpectedly through a not so reliable BDSM website. We started talking and realized that we had a lot if not all our fetishes in common. We had decided to meet and see how things would go. It was like a first date but D/s we both had butterflies, and were excited. He was getting kicked out of his moms place, because she needed the room for her dad to move in so she could take care of him. So I offered for him to crash at my house while he looked for a new job. He slept on the floor by the side of my bed, Which I loved. So it has been way too long since I have blogged here. Since my last blog the situations have changed. Things are still going pretty well with my hubby. I have since released my submissive girl, we together came to the conclusion that her preference for women, and my preference is men would affect our relationship negatively. We have come to be friends.
Now, during the process of finding a submissive to play with I too found a boyfriend, killing two birds with one stone. Him and I met unexpectedly through a not so reliable BDSM website. We started talking and realized that we had a lot if not all our fetishes in common. We had decided to meet and see how things would go. It was like a first date but D/s we both had butterflies, and were excited. He was getting kicked out of his moms place, because she needed the room for her dad to move in so she could take care of him. So I offered for him to crash at my house while he looked for a new job. He slept on the floor by the side of my bed, Which I loved.
There was a lot of tension in the house as I had a submissive girl already living with us. She is no longer in the house, because of a difference of requirements of a D/s household and relationship. We had a lot of issues with jealousy, time requirements, attention lacking, and what not. A lot of Drama. However things were civil between her and the family, we tried to salvage a friendship however the age difference, and sex similarity put stress on it.
He has been living with us for about 4 months. He has not started his training yet, because of all the drama as well as his work is m-f sometimes sat 6am till 6 pm. so Our time is very limited. We are getting ready to start his training either this weekend or next. I am very much looking forward to it.
Now, during the process of finding a submissive to play with I too found a boyfriend, killing two birds with one stone. Him and I met unexpectedly through a not so reliable BDSM website. We started talking and realized that we had a lot if not all our fetishes in common. We had decided to meet and see how things would go. It was like a first date but D/s we both had butterflies, and were excited. He was getting kicked out of his moms place, because she needed the room for her dad to move in so she could take care of him. So I offered for him to crash at my house while he looked for a new job. He slept on the floor by the side of my bed, Which I loved. So it has been way too long since I have blogged here. Since my last blog the situations have changed. Things are still going pretty well with my hubby. I have since released my submissive girl, we together came to the conclusion that her preference for women, and my preference is men would affect our relationship negatively. We have come to be friends.
Now, during the process of finding a submissive to play with I too found a boyfriend, killing two birds with one stone. Him and I met unexpectedly through a not so reliable BDSM website. We started talking and realized that we had a lot if not all our fetishes in common. We had decided to meet and see how things would go. It was like a first date but D/s we both had butterflies, and were excited. He was getting kicked out of his moms place, because she needed the room for her dad to move in so she could take care of him. So I offered for him to crash at my house while he looked for a new job. He slept on the floor by the side of my bed, Which I loved.
There was a lot of tension in the house as I had a submissive girl already living with us. She is no longer in the house, because of a difference of requirements of a D/s household and relationship. We had a lot of issues with jealousy, time requirements, attention lacking, and what not. A lot of Drama. However things were civil between her and the family, we tried to salvage a friendship however the age difference, and sex similarity put stress on it.
He has been living with us for about 4 months. He has not started his training yet, because of all the drama as well as his work is m-f sometimes sat 6am till 6 pm. so Our time is very limited. We are getting ready to start his training either this weekend or next. I am very much looking forward to it.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Um.... problems
Here it goes, my brain will not stop. So things with the three of us is going fairly well. I have finally had sex with my submissive girl which usually takes a while! We are slowly instilling the much needed protocols it is hard to change a frame of mind with someone. But it is happening although it is difficult. She is the most awesome submissive woman I have ever met, hence the consideration/and household membership.
A complication has come about to our happy little household. I was looking for a normal male submissive, for myself. I enjoy Cbt too much to not have one in my household. I met one that is a great once in a while person. Then I met an amazing submissive, he is hot, and shares a lot of my fetishes, and the ones that he doesn't he is willing to try. However I now want to date him, as well as have him serve me so I am not sure how to work that. Also how to I fit him as a bf/sub in? a sub I know where he goes, a bf I know where he goes. a submissive boyfriend?
Well since originally writing this (yesterday) a new bump in the road has come about. Had nothing to do with D/s it has to do with being poly. Again I come across a man that I have great chemistry with I could easily fall for and have slowly been getting attached, that has an issue with the ring on my finger. There is nothing I can do to convince him that things could be wonderful between us whether or not I am married. There is nothing I can do period. It is up to him. Some people think that I am insane for even trying this poly thing, for even worrying about this one guy.
Why is children and an eventual piece of paper such a big deal to some people. Even if I were single the children thing is non-existent. It just hurts cause most people just don't understand that I really can love more than one person at a time because I have enough love to go around. I just don't get it! Why can't I be happy. Yes it is selfish of me to want to have two men that love me unconditionally, and enjoy the joy that a poly relationship could give them. ::sigh::
A complication has come about to our happy little household. I was looking for a normal male submissive, for myself. I enjoy Cbt too much to not have one in my household. I met one that is a great once in a while person. Then I met an amazing submissive, he is hot, and shares a lot of my fetishes, and the ones that he doesn't he is willing to try. However I now want to date him, as well as have him serve me so I am not sure how to work that. Also how to I fit him as a bf/sub in? a sub I know where he goes, a bf I know where he goes. a submissive boyfriend?
Well since originally writing this (yesterday) a new bump in the road has come about. Had nothing to do with D/s it has to do with being poly. Again I come across a man that I have great chemistry with I could easily fall for and have slowly been getting attached, that has an issue with the ring on my finger. There is nothing I can do to convince him that things could be wonderful between us whether or not I am married. There is nothing I can do period. It is up to him. Some people think that I am insane for even trying this poly thing, for even worrying about this one guy.
Why is children and an eventual piece of paper such a big deal to some people. Even if I were single the children thing is non-existent. It just hurts cause most people just don't understand that I really can love more than one person at a time because I have enough love to go around. I just don't get it! Why can't I be happy. Yes it is selfish of me to want to have two men that love me unconditionally, and enjoy the joy that a poly relationship could give them. ::sigh::
Monday, November 8, 2010
New Chapter
So my poly family is beginning to change a bit. It went from Me, Hubby, Best friend, and Boyfriend. Now it is changing towards Me, Hubby, our submissive girl, and my submissive boy. It is turning into a BDSM poly house. I am really enjoying the thought of it, The only way it could be better is if it was a slave boy vs. a submissive boy. However I am still waiting for that one to make up his mind.
It seems to be improving the household dynamics which is always a positive movement. For both hubby and I. We seem to be getting along better and feeling more love towards each other now that the other things in our life are satisfied. It is still strange having a submissive girl but I am getting used to it, and loving certain things. The cuddles, and fingernails are blissful. She makes me very happy both as a friend and Dominant. However hubby, is still unsure about his role as a Dominant with her. He still views himself as a switch,therefore equal, and not a Dominant towards her.
Some of the residual ooze is still going on in my brain from the ex. Still. It is frustrating and dragging down my positive pants, Damn sagging pants. Just a side note to the rest of my verbal vomit.
It seems to be improving the household dynamics which is always a positive movement. For both hubby and I. We seem to be getting along better and feeling more love towards each other now that the other things in our life are satisfied. It is still strange having a submissive girl but I am getting used to it, and loving certain things. The cuddles, and fingernails are blissful. She makes me very happy both as a friend and Dominant. However hubby, is still unsure about his role as a Dominant with her. He still views himself as a switch,therefore equal, and not a Dominant towards her.
Some of the residual ooze is still going on in my brain from the ex. Still. It is frustrating and dragging down my positive pants, Damn sagging pants. Just a side note to the rest of my verbal vomit.
Looking for something perfect.
Well the search for the perfect servant, submissive, slave is still continuing here in Augusta. I found one that would be the perfect slave for me, filled with love, adoration as well as the perfect bondage slut. The only kicker is that he would have to change his life to serve me. I have been discussing this with him and told him that in order to come for his interview weekend, he would need to be 100% ready to change his life to serve me. I say this because the changes that he would have to make are huge, and I have a feeling that he would be ready to stay for good.
So I am concerned at the likelyhood of him actually becoming a slave. He would be perfect but a lot has to change in order to have him serving me.
So I am concerned at the likelyhood of him actually becoming a slave. He would be perfect but a lot has to change in order to have him serving me.
Friday, October 29, 2010
fucking to forget
Lately I have been on a "binge" of sorts and over the last day or two trying to figure out why. Today in the shower I finally realized it. I am fucking in order to forget. To forget the hurt, to forget the love, to just forget. I don't know why my brain is working this way but it is.
I am confused as to what my actions are really accomplishing in the long run. I guess if I put bodies and physical feelings between me and the emotional strain and hurt, it won't hurt as bad. I have been with multiple people since the break up. Doing what I actually don't prefer to do, sex without emotional connection. Sex for just sex sake is fun, but when it is over and you are "kicked out of bed", for lack of a better word, it can leave you just as empty as you were before.
And even more so there are people that wanna fuck me but I feel that I would just be a notch in their bedpost, when it is I that is putting notches in mine. I don't want to be one of several women "falling" all over a man just to feed his ego. The couple men that are like this I feel like their ego is big enough. They don't need yet another woman to feed it. One of these guys I didn't know I was part of a harem until AFTER I got with him. Now I know I feel all icky cause I am not special. He just fucked be cause I was there.
Is it bad that I want to feel special when I am with a man, whether it is with a fuck buddy or a boyfriend? I want to feel like the only woman in the world to him. It could be out in public on a first meeting, or in bed, or hell just chilling on the couch? Is that too much to ask for? or does that seem really selfish of me?
I am confused as to what my actions are really accomplishing in the long run. I guess if I put bodies and physical feelings between me and the emotional strain and hurt, it won't hurt as bad. I have been with multiple people since the break up. Doing what I actually don't prefer to do, sex without emotional connection. Sex for just sex sake is fun, but when it is over and you are "kicked out of bed", for lack of a better word, it can leave you just as empty as you were before.
And even more so there are people that wanna fuck me but I feel that I would just be a notch in their bedpost, when it is I that is putting notches in mine. I don't want to be one of several women "falling" all over a man just to feed his ego. The couple men that are like this I feel like their ego is big enough. They don't need yet another woman to feed it. One of these guys I didn't know I was part of a harem until AFTER I got with him. Now I know I feel all icky cause I am not special. He just fucked be cause I was there.
Is it bad that I want to feel special when I am with a man, whether it is with a fuck buddy or a boyfriend? I want to feel like the only woman in the world to him. It could be out in public on a first meeting, or in bed, or hell just chilling on the couch? Is that too much to ask for? or does that seem really selfish of me?
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